"We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person’s feelings" - Melody Beattie

It is as if there is an imaginary rope tying you to a toxic relationship. You can be fully aware of how damaging and wrong it is, yet, still cannot break free. This is what being co-dependent means to me. It means knowing certain things are not your fault and knowing you don’t deserve such abusive treatment yet feeling incapable of leaving.

When a person is co-dependent, they feel as if survival without the presence of their partner is impossible. This is one of the main reasons why so many people stay in toxic relationships. They rely on someone else to validate their emotions and make them feel “okay”. In doing so, they will even put up with abuse because the relationship is temporarily filling a void. 

Co-dependents often try to mould a person into the perfect partner by fixing areas of their life where improvement clearly needs to be made. Unfortunately, the agreement to to work harder on someone else life than they do, is not love and we cannot change people who don’t want to change.  

"the bad news is : you cannot make people like, love, understand, validate, or accept you

the good news is that it doesn't matter"

It can be an exhausting journey when you constantly carry the weight of someone else’s problems, especially when you know they do not deserve it. You see, no-one is asking us to fix them because they are probably happy and comfortable with where they are. But we don’t always want to accept a person’s true colours, especially if they have violated our boundaries multiple times. However, we don’t want to leave because that would mean all of our efforts to save the relationship have gone out the door. So, instead of changing our situation, we try and change the person due to the fear of losing the relationship. By continuing to crave their love and approval, we cannot break free from the restricting chains which hold us to the relationship. 

Why are we co-dependent?

Co-dependency is the fear of feeling unloved, unappreciated and unworthy. 


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