toxic relationships

"the deepest pain I have ever felt was denying my own feelings to make everyone else comfortable"

What does it mean to be a people-pleaser?

People pleasing means constantly putting another person's needs before your own and bending over backwards for those who you know don’t deserve it. It can feel as if the weight of everyone’s emotions falls on your shoulders or that the trials of any relationship are your burdens to carry. It means knowing when something is not your fault or responsibility to fix, yet still taking on the task. There is no rational explanation as to why we disregard our own feelings to avoid rocking the boat, because it causes an immense amount of pain. But one thing's for certain, constantly seeking other people’s approval and relying on them as a source of “happiness supply” is extremely difficult.

Why do some of us live to please?

Nobody is born a people pleaser. It is something you develop overtime due to the way in which you have been programmed during childhood. Often those of us who live to please received conditional love growing up. In other words, the loved we got was a result of our behaviour. For example, if I made a mistake that would mean less love. If I did what someone else wanted, I would get praised for it. The problem with this is that we end up disregarding our own emotions to please others. 

How is this self-sabotage?

It is self-sabotage when we live to please and it is a death wish to try make everyone happy. When we disregard our emotions over and over again, the lines become blurred as to what you want and what you are doing to please someone else. This is because being a people pleaser requires you to bear the full responsibility of maintaining a relationship and constantly satisfying your partner’s every desire. Unfortunately, if you are in the company of a manipulative person, this can mean going against everything you once stood for. It is a matter of sacrificing your own morals, values and beliefs in order to make someone else happy. 

False Hope

People pleasers let arguments slide and put up with disrespect in attempt to keep the peace or save a broken relationship. Thus forgetting that some situations are out of our control, and we don’t have power over other people’s emotions. We assume that fitting the perfect mould and doing everything right will make our partners happy and be the key to the perfect relationship. We think that this will give them a reason to treat us the way we deserve but, sadly, it doesn’t actually do any good for anyone.. Especially not your sanity because, when the relationship comes to the inevitable end, you will realise that no matter what you did, the ability to make someone happy was never in your hands anyways.

Going crazy?

When we act in ways that go against our character for a certain length of time it can make us feel crazy, I mean genuinely crazy. We have been pushed over the edge trying to fix something which is broken beyond repair and endured months of emotional torture. Unfortunately, the cycle tends to repeat itself.  You will wake up and do things, which go against everything you believed in, in order to make someone’s life better. While they will wake up and disappoint you time and time again. Violating your boundaries, disrespecting your privacy and giving empty promises.

The Consequence

The consequence of living your life to please will, is losing yourself.

"people pleasing is no longer an option because I am adopting the radical belief that my ideas, thoughts and feelings matter too"

- Amber Rochelle

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